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Feeling a bit…alone lately…

November 3, 2011

So Allison and Kevin got married, and i was there to support them.  A nice wedding and a good time all around, i’m very happy for the both of them.  Its now November, Mom has fallen on even harder times.  Her “benefits” have run out, so she isn’t drawing any money anymore.  She can’t go back to work so now she has to file for long term disability.  On top of all that she now has no income, with bills to pay.  How much more can the hammer of destruction fall upon her?  Really?  Where does it start to get better, where is the light at the end of the tunnel?  Thank God its her going through this and not me.  The fact that she hasn’t completely lost her shit yet is something to say the least, I would’ve already had to fucking break down.  I just pray she stays strong through all of this.

Went and hung out with Ben for the first time in a long ass time, it was a fun time too.  Had my vacation time when Allison had her wedding so i was off for about 5 days or so and i have to say, it kinda spoiled me, but i’ll get back into the swing of things, just been feeling so…odd recently.

Lets be honest here, its November, the ornament shop has re-opened for Christmas time and since Michelle worked there last year, she just walked back onto the job this year.  Now what changed from last year to this year that i’m feeling like i never see her and i’m all depressed and lonely and shit?  Dare I say i’ve become somewhat “Co-Dependent”?  Maybe…probably…ok yeah.  Its just she is gone around the clock now, our schedules don’t sync up at all, it sucks.  Here i am up at 2:07 am and just feeling like shit.  I can’t sleep, it just feels like i’m doing all i can to not see tomorrow and i don’t know why i’m being this way.  I’m still watching my TV Shows, i’m still reading my Comics, i’m occasionally messing with my magic cards, and i’m playing GoW3 non-stop like its going out of style.  So the sync hole of life has finally reared its ugly head.  And the question that swells up in my mind every so often.  So lets follow this trail and see where it ends:

“Where do I go from here?”

So where do i head now?  I’ve been at dollar general for a while, it will be a year  Feb. 2012, big deal, i’ve been at jobs way longer than this just to get kicked in the nuts and told I suck.  Life always shits in my mouth and never apologizes.  If mom keeps getting sicker i’m going to have to take her in, cause my brother sure as hell isn’t jumping at the chance.  And as usual, when my mind begins to swell the thought process continues.

“Lets just gas up the car, and drive, go somewhere where no one knows where the fuck we are and start over.”

So this idea is just ridiculous.  Run away, thats what i’d be doing would be running away.  And then that thought becomes history, so as it fades into darkness i ponder a new thought.

“Just accept it, just fucking accept it.”

But this thought leads to sadness,anger,sometimes, tears.  When you sit at the blackjack table of life, and you get dealt a shitty hand.  You can’t run from it, you just have to make the best of it.  Your money is already on the table, the cards have been dealt, you can’t leave now, so you have to work with it.

The moral of the story is, life sucks.


From → Drama, Life

One Comment
  1. Quick pick me up is thinking about what you’re grateful for, pretty impossible to feel like crap when thinking about good stuff. You’ve got a least one friend, you still have your mum and she’s keeping it together even though going through a hard time, you own a tv and I’m guessing a computer. I def think you attract what you think about, you could think about what you do want instead of what you don’t want …… you’ve got nothing to lose.

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