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I’m beginning to wonder what my goal was to start with.

So many stupid ways I identify myself, so many stupid things i try to take pride in. What is my life really? I’m about to be 30 years old, should honestly be in the prime of my life but here i sit, sharing the seat with someone who is 20. 10 years of my life gone, wasted, what was the point to start with? When even the little things you want to be good at shit on you and laugh as they walk away.

One day when I die and go to heaven God will shake his head and ask me “What did you even do?” and he will be right, I’ll be a joke to him there, just as much as i am a joke to him here.

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When you realize you’re not especially talented at anything…

Ugh even i’m sick of my posts at this point…oh well lets do this anyway. So this is something i’ve lived with and understood for quite a while. I chose not to go to College due to the fact that I barley survived High School. I graduated and decided “Nah, i’m done with school.” So I made that choice, and blame no one but myself.

I spent a lot of my life working in retail, playing video games, watching porn, and writing crappy short stories. Hoping one day to make something of my life and of myself. I’m 29 now and wow did I do nothing at all with my life up to this point. I’m in a constant state of depression, I work maybe nine hours a week and i’m losing my mind.

I used to think that I was at least good at video games. I am very competitive when it comes to fighting games and as i’m learning Overwatch as well. I guess i’m just competitive in general when it comes to games. I’ve been playing tons of Overwatch lately on PS4 and it has been super fun, but the more i have time to think the more i realize i’m wasting my time and my life away. Playing Overwatch is fun, it truly is, but its getting me nowhere. I got super excited watching CEO 2016 tonight and decided “Yeah lets play some Street Fighter V!” only to realize all my talents in that game are gone now and it just left me angry.

I’ll never be a professional game player, its never gonna happen so why do I continue to just waste my time? The one thing I do for entertainment in my life is now sending me deeper down the well of my depression. My life is a constant stream of cruel jokes, but I still continue to sit and smile like i’m doing just fine.

All the years i’ve spent my life in retail have given me no progression, talent, or skills. I’ve applied for countless retail jobs and have been turned down repeatedly. So now i’m losing all my “hard earned and very useful gaming skills” and I can’t get a job I have tons of experience for, how to people get by?

I’m serious man, how do you all get by? If you’re reading this i’d really like to know, how do you make it in life? Have all your dreams come true? Is life truly the best? Are you at least on your way to something better?

I hope so, I hope no one has to experience these feelings that I do. They are harsh and dangerous. If I didn’t have so much motivation to live, so many events in my life that have been examples of what not to do, I honestly don’t know i’d be able to suffer the way I do and not try to end it all.

Is there a medicine that makes you completely delusional, that would be nice…real real nice…

Am I the only one??

So I’m going through this time in my life again where I keep getting these odd feelings, and I’m gonna try and put it into words.

Late at night/early in the morning around 1am I get this feeling of “I need to cocoon myself into a TV show or a time killer.” and when I find this show, or thing, its a warm comfort. You feel this idea that settling in to watch this, or participate in this its a comforting thing. This feeling is like “As long as i’m awake, in this moment and watching this show, nothing bad can happen and i’m living a normal life.” my mind is so wrecked with all the horrible hits one after another that i’m just that scared to leave a moment where i’m safe and normal. So scared to go to sleep because of fear of what might happen tomorrow.

This fear is getting old, but this warm feeling and comfort is so nice. God I just want to feel normal and safe again. I just want to be back to normal and feeling like my life is normal again.

Heres to hoping things change real soon…heres to hoping…

Finally back to semi-normal.

The carpets are dry, the air is fixed, and the hot water has returned. We did a whole lot of cleaning on the house too, so thats pretty cool. Its starting to feel like a real home again where I can actually have people over and just enjoy being at home, its nice.

In other news, Overwatch came out and I love it! Its so freakin amazing! My dog, Hudson, is now on a regular schedule of going outside to pee and poop now. Good things came out of all this so I can finally breath and relax…but not too much. History always repeats itself for me so I know not to get too comfortable.

Everyone who read this, and all my friends and family. If you prayed or gave me support in anyway, thank you. I truly mean it, as someone who struggles with depression, its always nice to know that you do have support. And if you even read this blog, like my posts, or whatever, you’re supporting me, so thank you so much!

Now lets hope my next post can be about care free things such as games…dear god lets hope…

Wow…getting something done around here is like pulling teeth.

If you’re following my horrible hell saga, get ready for the newest entry in this ongoing nightmare. So its Tuesday and everyone is supposed to be working again. The new maintenance lady came back in my apartment today, she is the worst maintenance person i’ve ever had to deal with, she said we should have a new water heater “before the day is out.”

Well that was three hours ago, so that may actually resolve today, who actually know. That should fix the leak…in theory. I tried to call the carpet cleaning people about an hour ago and got a voicemail. I left them one but still haven’t heard back, at least they are nice and easy to deal with.

The AC is still broken of course and the AC dude has been “called” but still has yet to show. So at the end of this post you’ll realize, NOTHING has been changed or fixed, so I still have a wet carpet that seems to be growing, a broken AC, and a busted water heater so still no hot water.

Par for the course, I used to sign off on these by saying something like “thanks for reading” so I wanna get back to that.

If you’ve been following this blog, reading about my awful nightmare of a time, thanks so much for reading. Its nice to know there is someone else out there who can at least send me good thoughts or relish in my pain knowing they aren’t alone in their struggles.

Okay fine, I should’ve said something sooner.

So if you read my last post you know I was having a wet carpet issue. Well due to anxiety leading to horrible stress I couldn’t sleep. I found an emergency contact number for my apartments and decided at around 5am I would go ahead and call it.

I spoke with a nice man who was clearly at an answering service/call center scenario. He understood and quickly wanted it to get resolved. I got maybe three hours of sleep when i was awoken to a shady lookin woman knocking on my door. She wanted to see what was going on. She was pretty rude, but to the point. She swears its the hot water heater, and not the fridge. I personally think its a little of both, with a side of the toilet leaking slightly.

She decided to order me a new hot water heater, she then quickly grabbed me a wall unit AC to last until tuesday and bounced out like she was really angry. I then took it upon myself to move the bed away from the water and called the landlord over my apartments. She was insanely understanding and genuinely caring about my situation. She quickly got professional carpet cleaners out here to do their thing.

Here we are now, post them doing their thing. They had to leave behind some industrial fans and things like that to keep running for the next three to five days. I’m glad this is seemingly resolved, maybe my anxiety will die away as the carpet dries. Its not currently dry it does have some chemicals in it, but we are on our way.

My dog Hudson is my biggest concern. He isn’t supposed to lay on the wet carpet, which I don’t think he would anyway and I need to figure out how he is suppose to use the bathroom. I’ll take him outside regularly when i’m home, but when me and michelle are away I just hope he knows where he can go.

Thinking is the most stressful thing ever.

My home, my current apartment, is supposed to be my place of stress free, rest. Well probably close to a year ago my hallway carpet was soaked. Naturally I blamed the dog, he’s old and maybe just lost it a bit. Over time it expanded outward, but it didn’t seem like the dog anymore. Still believing it was the dog, I tried countless things to handle it myself, worried what my landlord might say.

So I called in a professional to look at it and he said “This is no animal, this a leak somewhere.” I brushed it off until just recently. After cleaning it up one good time, it stays fairly dry for a few days. Well, it was almost instantly soaked again. This couldn’t be the dog, with a little investigation i just found out that the Fridge is leaking somewhere. I’m relieved and a bit scared still, but my quality of life has gone way way down. So its time to talk to the land lord and i’m afraid of what the result will be.

To continue this trend of rough times, the AC was acting up in the house a bit and I called the office. I got a guy out here and he seemed completely confused about my AC system said my motor would probably need replacing. He would come back later in the day to confirm it. Well of course, he never returned and here it is, the weekend, and the air just broke and doesn’t work. So now I have to call about this, AND talk about this carpet issue.

This has my brain, body, and self esteem in shambles. I feel terrified at what will have to be done. I’m feeling like a loser who can’t supply a dry carpet for my wife to walk on. Money is running short, and I just don’t know how I’m supposed to cope. All of this over wet carpets, and a busted fridge? I know its insane, but it has me screwed up.