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Music and my Depression

So for anyone reading this who knows me or, maybe you don’t and you only know me from this blog. You know that I suffer from pretty severe depression. Its hard to ever be actually happy about anything, even when things are the best you’re still not okay.

Music has always helped me through the toughest of times. I listen to very depressing music as my outlet, its nice to not feel so alone. I take the bands and the music I listen to VERY seriously. Lyrics have to be a strong point and then passion has to be another.

I just got back from seeing Kate Nash live for the first time and at this show I realized something, i’m only ever TRULY happy and blissful when i’m at a concert. Its really hard to ever just be happy and let everything melt away but, when i’m at a concert and an artist I love is passionately belting out their songs all of it just fades away. There’s a since of family, a strong connection with that artist even if they have no clue that I exist, i’m connected to that person.

I’m incredibly thankful that there are artist in this world that can make me feel this way. Concert time is always the best time each year of my life. I live to go to concerts and ride that true happy, high for at least several days. Tonight I also actually MET Kate Nash and got to express some of these feelings to her. She is so nice and was amazing in every single way.



The weather is nicer, you know what that means!

Hello again, i’m back and to just talk about the thing that is obviously on my mind since winter is ending…i guess? Its always hard to tell around here when winter is actually over or just on pause for the moment. Anyway, flip flops and open toed shoes!

This is one of the biggest benefits of a foot fetish is the fact that its not against any rules to show off those toes. Most girls probably don’t even given any more thought than just easier shoes to put on. And of course at my job its primarily women so, its eye candy all around.

Anyway, as always stay proud and don’t be weird fellow foot fetish members. We have this fetish that is considered more widely accepted these days but, its up to us to not give others a bad name.

Okay well thats really all I had on my mind this morning, have a great day and i’ll be back i’m sure.

The same day but, a year later.

Time flies when you’re having fun, isn’t that what they say? Wow its been a year since i’ve posted here and i’m not surprised by that. What I am surprised by is, this blog hit my mind literally on the same day as my last post, just a year later.

So to catch everyone up to speed, my wonderful Dog had to be put down 6/8/2017, it will go down in the history books as the hardest day of my entire life. I miss him each and every single day and wish I could have him back all the time. His name was Hudson “Royale” Brown and he was the best thing in the entire world.

Continuing the catchup, i’ll be married for 11 years on 6/30/2018 and thats great! My wife is so amazing, shout outs to you babe if you’re reading this, I love you so much!! 3/16-3/18 will be my third year attending Final Round and also my first year not competing also. Lets keep going!

On 11/6/2017 I was hired into a call center as a supervisor/lead position with Viiz Communications! This company is really cool and a job I really enjoy. On 1/29/2018 I was promoted to IT at Viiz and i’m still doing that job today! Its weird, I finally have a real job thats 8am-5pm every day and off on weekends. I feel like a grown up now!

Ben is my best friend, he and I are so much alike its scary. I’ve never had a friend like him before, I’ve never experienced the weird mental link with a friend like I do with him, thats how I know for a fact that I have a REAL best friend, shout outs to you buddy if you’re reading this.

Times are changing, things are changing in my life, mostly for the better. If I never post here again I just want to end with this. Life is finally on the up and up and thats pretty cool.


Until next time, Eric.

I’m beginning to wonder what my goal was to start with.

So many stupid ways I identify myself, so many stupid things i try to take pride in. What is my life really? I’m about to be 30 years old, should honestly be in the prime of my life but here i sit, sharing the seat with someone who is 20. 10 years of my life gone, wasted, what was the point to start with? When even the little things you want to be good at shit on you and laugh as they walk away.

One day when I die and go to heaven God will shake his head and ask me “What did you even do?” and he will be right, I’ll be a joke to him there, just as much as i am a joke to him here.

When you realize you’re not especially talented at anything…

Ugh even i’m sick of my posts at this point…oh well lets do this anyway. So this is something i’ve lived with and understood for quite a while. I chose not to go to College due to the fact that I barley survived High School. I graduated and decided “Nah, i’m done with school.” So I made that choice, and blame no one but myself.

I spent a lot of my life working in retail, playing video games, watching porn, and writing crappy short stories. Hoping one day to make something of my life and of myself. I’m 29 now and wow did I do nothing at all with my life up to this point. I’m in a constant state of depression, I work maybe nine hours a week and i’m losing my mind.

I used to think that I was at least good at video games. I am very competitive when it comes to fighting games and as i’m learning Overwatch as well. I guess i’m just competitive in general when it comes to games. I’ve been playing tons of Overwatch lately on PS4 and it has been super fun, but the more i have time to think the more i realize i’m wasting my time and my life away. Playing Overwatch is fun, it truly is, but its getting me nowhere. I got super excited watching CEO 2016 tonight and decided “Yeah lets play some Street Fighter V!” only to realize all my talents in that game are gone now and it just left me angry.

I’ll never be a professional game player, its never gonna happen so why do I continue to just waste my time? The one thing I do for entertainment in my life is now sending me deeper down the well of my depression. My life is a constant stream of cruel jokes, but I still continue to sit and smile like i’m doing just fine.

All the years i’ve spent my life in retail have given me no progression, talent, or skills. I’ve applied for countless retail jobs and have been turned down repeatedly. So now i’m losing all my “hard earned and very useful gaming skills” and I can’t get a job I have tons of experience for, how to people get by?

I’m serious man, how do you all get by? If you’re reading this i’d really like to know, how do you make it in life? Have all your dreams come true? Is life truly the best? Are you at least on your way to something better?

I hope so, I hope no one has to experience these feelings that I do. They are harsh and dangerous. If I didn’t have so much motivation to live, so many events in my life that have been examples of what not to do, I honestly don’t know i’d be able to suffer the way I do and not try to end it all.

Is there a medicine that makes you completely delusional, that would be nice…real real nice…

Am I the only one??

So I’m going through this time in my life again where I keep getting these odd feelings, and I’m gonna try and put it into words.

Late at night/early in the morning around 1am I get this feeling of “I need to cocoon myself into a TV show or a time killer.” and when I find this show, or thing, its a warm comfort. You feel this idea that settling in to watch this, or participate in this its a comforting thing. This feeling is like “As long as i’m awake, in this moment and watching this show, nothing bad can happen and i’m living a normal life.” my mind is so wrecked with all the horrible hits one after another that i’m just that scared to leave a moment where i’m safe and normal. So scared to go to sleep because of fear of what might happen tomorrow.

This fear is getting old, but this warm feeling and comfort is so nice. God I just want to feel normal and safe again. I just want to be back to normal and feeling like my life is normal again.

Heres to hoping things change real soon…heres to hoping…

Finally back to semi-normal.

The carpets are dry, the air is fixed, and the hot water has returned. We did a whole lot of cleaning on the house too, so thats pretty cool. Its starting to feel like a real home again where I can actually have people over and just enjoy being at home, its nice.

In other news, Overwatch came out and I love it! Its so freakin amazing! My dog, Hudson, is now on a regular schedule of going outside to pee and poop now. Good things came out of all this so I can finally breath and relax…but not too much. History always repeats itself for me so I know not to get too comfortable.

Everyone who read this, and all my friends and family. If you prayed or gave me support in anyway, thank you. I truly mean it, as someone who struggles with depression, its always nice to know that you do have support. And if you even read this blog, like my posts, or whatever, you’re supporting me, so thank you so much!

Now lets hope my next post can be about care free things such as games…dear god lets hope…